vaderonice

When I was in college
my dad would never
come home after 9pm or so.
One Saturday night
it's 9:30 and he's nowhere
and this is before cell phones
so I call the golf course
where he works and there's nothing.
Eventually one of his friends
rings me up to tell me my dad 
has been arrested
but everything is fine.
There's a buddy he sells golf balls to
and he's a lawyer
just show up at the jail tomorrow
to pick him up.
So I have this
bomb that goes off
in my head 
if I get a call from my dad 
too late in the evening.
And these days
he calls me late
just to tell me stories
he forgot to relay
about his day
at the cancer clinic.
Tonight, it was about
a lady that takes requests
and sings to patients
and he reenacted it
with his gravelly 
screechy voice
how she sang
"Besame Mucho"
but he was so happy
and
I wasn't scared
for a bit.

Do you remember
The Abbey?
Is that?
I'm pretty sure
it was one of those places
where I tried to kiss you.
I heard the benches are gone
and there's pool tables now
and the clacking of the balls
sing the song of selling out.
I remember the way
the light would come in
super harsh
through the big windows.
Squinting
buzzed on a Tucher
wanting
so much
something 
that wouldn't be
given.

Sometimes
the best thing
for relationships
are noise canceling headphones.

Sometimes I wish
when this crazy bitch said
"Please stop talking to me
I just want to end this conversation"
she actually meant it
instead of me realizing
oh shit
here comes another
chemo fueled batshit crazy argument
where she takes everything driving her mad
and shits it all over me
via her pie hole.

Welp.
I've kinda kicked the streak
in the nuts at this point.
I'll blame it on construction
the lady's chemo
and late nights
trying to choke
the ever loving
shit
out of insomnia lately.
Cheers.

I thought maybe
the vaccine would be
having its way with me today
but no
it's just my fault
I'm still writing
not so great poems.

But.
Today my kid said
he figured he was so comfortable
taking his writing exam
because all the time he spends
writing up dossiers
on horror game characters
(instead of paying attention to class)
transferred, skill-wise
to his writing exam efforts.

I told him I was so proud
and I fucking loved him
and he told me
he fucking loved me too.

And that's
all I can fucking ask for.

Got my second
COVID shot today
and the girl who checked me in
said she loved my shirt
but then she asked me what it even meant
and I wondered if
she was just checking me out.

On my morning walk
a little cloud of dragonflies
followed me for a bit.
It was cool.

It's that day
don't believe anything.
Except one time
a girl I really cared for
I wish she'd told me she loved me
on April Fool's
because fuck it
what's a fool if not
the best kind of dreamer.

My aunt at the Best Buy
calling asking me what she should buy
not knowing what's even wrong.
It's like she knew
I had the day off
and might actually pull off
a nap
in the middle of the day.
Can you imagine?
Sleeping soundly
in the middle of the day
while the construction people
clip and chip
at old tiles
that drag and clank.
I almost spent
the whole day in sandals.
Fuck.